kill me

if you ask me about myself, i'd say that i'm a normal guy with a normal life with adequate amount of stress and burden. i never consider myself as an underachiever, and now i'm in a college completing my degree, with no affiliation to any serious organisation or any huge responsibilities. safe to say that my life is stress-minimum, if not stress-free. my schedule is never rigid, i've financial loans which although i tend to overspend, i never really stuck in a situation where i'm requiring any financial aid. i've a bunch of close friends which is reliable and practical, and of course my sweet sweet sarah who bring light to my day every seconds of my life.

wow seems like i've made my life sounds quite delightful. quite good i think? i'm sure some had it worse than me. but then if you ask me, do i consider myself as depressed? yes, depressed. mentally disturbed or burdened whatever that particular word might means, my answer will always be

yes i am

i guess i just need to stop doing this to myself. sometimes we're not as depressed as we think we are. its just that we're facing a hard day and of course, when you're in the dark, you'll absolutely forget how it feels to have the lights on. same as when you're in pain, my hand still hurts since the accident and i've forgotten how it feels to have a properly functioning hand (so fucking sad) but guess what. its not the end of the world. 

sometimes i look at my dad and i wonder "is he depressed? if he's not how did he manage not to be?"

see

my dad's routine

-wake up at 0000 or 0030 for work

-he's a lorry driver

-usually he'll get home at 2100

-go straight to bed

-wake up again at 0000 for work

fucking hell

he work for about 19 hours a day, and sleep for maximum 4 hours, except for saturdays where he would go out at around 0400. he never get enough sleep, and recently my mum tells me that he fall asleep while STANDING WHILE COUNTING MONEYYY. thats narcolepsy for sure. he even fall asleep while talking to my mum. he's working for 6 days a week. i've worked before for around 7 month, and i tell you, i really lost any control i had on my life, or even reality. having a job where it needs physical labour is a torture, and it tortures you mentally. i got no time for me, i got no life absolutely. i lost track of days and time. the day that i look forward to is my day off, and it is never rewarding as you would feel so lethargic and weak to continue the cycle. i feel so numb and empty. really empty. at night i stare at the ceiling wondering if this is life? when i resigned i fucking cried and it makes me really sad to think of the lives of many who lost it in their vicious day job.

so how the hell did my father manage to survive? if it was me think i've lost it before i know. i don't really know how he's doing inside, but i bet he's doing just fine. at least he seem to be. and my theory is;

knowing the term "depression" makes us blame everything on it. it give us excuse on being weak. my father never indulge in the concept of depression for all i know, so it never bothers him. the more you think that you are depressed, the more you will give yourself an excuse to self-loathing and other unnecessary emotion.

why are you late? i'm depressed

where are all those work i gave you? i'm depressed

why did you harm yourself? i'm depressed

why did everyone leave you?

why are you such a failure?

man the fuck up

you are not depressed

you are not weak

you can be a perfect example of a generation that gets everything they ask for without doing any work, and blame everything else for what's happening to them but not themselves, and when they had the chance to change their life they did nothing

and rant about depression

you can chose to be strong
or you can chose to just ignore it
easier

and yes, the more i admit that i'm depressed, the more depressed i'll be. so ask me if i'm depressed once again, and i'll tell you that i don't care anymore

lets be glad for the fact that we had no easy access to firearms, so school shooting can't become a fad here. fancy way to go down i might say.

bang!