0 days since last accident

"0 days? Did he dieded?"

Silence in the office. Steve laughs at his own awful joke. Luckily no one heard it, e if they do he would have a hard time explaining it to them. He was on his way to his desk while he passed the cleaning lady who is excessively crying. Besides her stands the new girl comforting the sobbing lady. Being the guy he is, he won’t bother to ask why, and the presence of the new girl expectedly throw him in a chaos of indecisive thoughts, but he concluded quick that he would take a second trip after he put his bag, and would try to engage in a conversation with them if they are still there. If the girl is still there of course. 

               

He put his bag and turns back to the scene. The cleaning lady is gone, so does the girl. He wonders what is his odd against all the possibilities. Against the universe. Close to none is obvious, but what matters is that he could always use a friend. Yes, friendship is a good start. Then we can go further, Steve thought to himself. He's sure he's a solid 5 this year, those new shirts surely is a good investment. He's been getting male fashion advices from his fellow friends who seem to be more successful.

Suddenly he felt presence breaching his fort cubicle. He turn around and saw the new girl with that fucker Chris standing behind him. She got a box in her hand and was looking straight at him.

"Are you sure? I can do this for you m'lady"

"Its okay, I got nothing to do anyway. Let’s do this together then, just throw everything in. This box is big enough I think"

"Hmm so, are you free tonight?"

"Shut up or you'll be the next one Chris. I'll make sure it looks like you're slipping on the wet floor too. They'll arrest that cleaning lady for sure"

Steve didn't listen to all this. He's preoccupied by the sight of their limbs passing through him like he's made of hologram.

  
"Hey look at his browser history!"

panic attack

x: so well, tell me about yourself
y: em i'm y 22 years old from anus asteroid giddy giddy njcxghvfrhkj yolo
y: yolo
x: ........ YOU GET THE JOB!!!!!
y: really?
x: no
y: i'm sorry i got too nerv- *punched few times by everyone including his girlfriend and the janitor

it is the third time y wake up to the same nightmare. he promised himself to become a hermit. never that he knew the hermit society begin to interview their candidates that year

sudden clarity

why why why why why
dies

LDR

Sand? Fuck.

"Good to see you sir. Sorry its not the right time for chitchat," he picked me up "Sir your nose. Your nose is bleeding,"

I wipe the warm drips with my sleeve. Russ pointed to that decent gun set halfway in the sand. It looks smaller in my hands compared to the last time, and it also feels lighter. It feels good. But I really wish my t-shirt match the sand. We are now both cowering inside the fragile bunker. I followed Russ to get to the other side of the dune, his prosthetic leg squeaks makes my headache worse.

"What year is it Russ? Do we still have the Valley with us?"

"I'm 34. No sir, we're sorry. Cameron and his bunch never make it out. We're on our way to the Japs, but since yesterday we got no response from them. I'm tired of these sand it messes with my stilts,"

"How's Sarah? She's fine?"

"Hey where is she?"

The ground shakes as I can see the swarm covering the dunes with its dull reflections. They didn't shoot. I saw one closing in to a soldier and puts its heavy feet on him, and the blast come after turns him to mush.

"They took her. I'm sorry,"

"If you hear her voice calling for you, its not her. They've cracked her open and bind her on one. They've figured out I guess,"

Sarah

"About me?"

"They're looking for you,"

"No shit,"

"I'm so-

I saw everything, the sands, the shrapnel, the blood. All suspended motionless in what feels like forever, few feet off the sands. One had sneaked up on us without us realising it. I don't know which way the dunes would hit me as I accelerated downwards, and it comes from behind. My spine's not a well crafted shock absorber. The sand feel so sharp in my hot glazing wounds, as heavy footsteps coming from top of the dunes. 

Speak of the devil.

"RUSSS!!!!!!"

"Yes sirrr," his voice gives out a disturbing hint of bubbles.

"I LOST MY GUN RUSSS. FUCKING SHOOT NOW,"

I can't see where he is but I'm glad his bubbly cough sounds close. And the heavy footsteps is coming closer as I can see it now. Why do they have to paint her face. And cut her hair clean.

"IN THE HEAD RUSS! IN THE HEAD!!"

"Okay sirrrrr,"

"Goodbye sirrwurfplhglb, thank you for your time,"

"Next time Russ," "Its 34 right? I'll make sure you know,"

I don't think he hear me. I don't think he got time to look around as well. The towering brute come closer. The head is no match for that ancient body. Its beauty is still a remnant of its owners essence, although it looks like a painted mannequin from the stores. But the eyes are moving. I can't stop looking back, hoping to meet her eye but I'm glad I didn't. I try to get up to give Russ a better aim, but he fired before I could overcome my wounds.

It hits the back of my head like a baseball bat. In seconds its all blurred as my vision pixellated in a violent spin. All my senses got sucked and rearranged so does my consciousness. I hope that Mute got caught in the vortex. Cut half in front of Russ.

I open my eyes to the wetness of the forest. They threw me here this time, easy for me to get cleaned up. I got sand in my shoes, but I'm glad I didn't brought back the wound too. Good but short. It took me few minutes to puke all my stomach contains, hoping next time I would be pulled when Sarah was still alive. Hate to think that I'll have nightmare about Russ tonight, but I'm sure I don't want one with her on top of that thing. I took off the bloody t-shirt and jump into the river.

perfect loop

Should time stop I wish it would,
and bound us in a loop.
The moment we light the signs
and stars never slip from its course,
illuminate with wild colours of your presence.
Every night in its perfect repetition

The heroine never failed to charm.
The dead denied gravity every time.
Even after infinite rerun it will always be
the perfect moment of us.
Never to cease into complexities,
a cosmic wreckage as time keeps moving.

bye bye mr mahmudul

he said that he was once amazed by the fact that his friend got two email address. hotmail and yahoo. and the from the way he tell us, i know that that guy have the right to brag like he own two iphones with laserbeam.

when was that? 1600? cant imagine how our kids gonna look at our toys 10 years from now. nahhhh what's he said after that was important

"technology will always become obsolete, but our religion would never be,"

kind of. can't remember the exact quote

kill me

if you ask me about myself, i'd say that i'm a normal guy with a normal life with adequate amount of stress and burden. i never consider myself as an underachiever, and now i'm in a college completing my degree, with no affiliation to any serious organisation or any huge responsibilities. safe to say that my life is stress-minimum, if not stress-free. my schedule is never rigid, i've financial loans which although i tend to overspend, i never really stuck in a situation where i'm requiring any financial aid. i've a bunch of close friends which is reliable and practical, and of course my sweet sweet sarah who bring light to my day every seconds of my life.

wow seems like i've made my life sounds quite delightful. quite good i think? i'm sure some had it worse than me. but then if you ask me, do i consider myself as depressed? yes, depressed. mentally disturbed or burdened whatever that particular word might means, my answer will always be

yes i am

i guess i just need to stop doing this to myself. sometimes we're not as depressed as we think we are. its just that we're facing a hard day and of course, when you're in the dark, you'll absolutely forget how it feels to have the lights on. same as when you're in pain, my hand still hurts since the accident and i've forgotten how it feels to have a properly functioning hand (so fucking sad) but guess what. its not the end of the world. 

sometimes i look at my dad and i wonder "is he depressed? if he's not how did he manage not to be?"

see

my dad's routine

-wake up at 0000 or 0030 for work

-he's a lorry driver

-usually he'll get home at 2100

-go straight to bed

-wake up again at 0000 for work

fucking hell

he work for about 19 hours a day, and sleep for maximum 4 hours, except for saturdays where he would go out at around 0400. he never get enough sleep, and recently my mum tells me that he fall asleep while STANDING WHILE COUNTING MONEYYY. thats narcolepsy for sure. he even fall asleep while talking to my mum. he's working for 6 days a week. i've worked before for around 7 month, and i tell you, i really lost any control i had on my life, or even reality. having a job where it needs physical labour is a torture, and it tortures you mentally. i got no time for me, i got no life absolutely. i lost track of days and time. the day that i look forward to is my day off, and it is never rewarding as you would feel so lethargic and weak to continue the cycle. i feel so numb and empty. really empty. at night i stare at the ceiling wondering if this is life? when i resigned i fucking cried and it makes me really sad to think of the lives of many who lost it in their vicious day job.

so how the hell did my father manage to survive? if it was me think i've lost it before i know. i don't really know how he's doing inside, but i bet he's doing just fine. at least he seem to be. and my theory is;

knowing the term "depression" makes us blame everything on it. it give us excuse on being weak. my father never indulge in the concept of depression for all i know, so it never bothers him. the more you think that you are depressed, the more you will give yourself an excuse to self-loathing and other unnecessary emotion.

why are you late? i'm depressed

where are all those work i gave you? i'm depressed

why did you harm yourself? i'm depressed

why did everyone leave you?

why are you such a failure?

man the fuck up

you are not depressed

you are not weak

you can be a perfect example of a generation that gets everything they ask for without doing any work, and blame everything else for what's happening to them but not themselves, and when they had the chance to change their life they did nothing

and rant about depression

you can chose to be strong
or you can chose to just ignore it
easier

and yes, the more i admit that i'm depressed, the more depressed i'll be. so ask me if i'm depressed once again, and i'll tell you that i don't care anymore

lets be glad for the fact that we had no easy access to firearms, so school shooting can't become a fad here. fancy way to go down i might say.

bang!

scrapbook

we're doing scrapbook and it is too ugly even the scrapbook mum wont love him. it is too ugly that sarah asked me, "are you making this for autistic kids, or are you autistic?" -___-